I have been meaning to write this for the past few years. These thoughts have been around ever turning 29 and conceivably well before that. I can still recall feeling immortal in my early twenties. There was only a one-week span where I felt death was just moments away, and that was during the Iraq deployment of 2005-2006, where I lost a brother in combat. I wore every piece of body armor and even this non-protective face mask for that week… after a week, my mind reset, and I was back in the “game” mentality.
When Ryan was born, life changed. He ushered in a new world of wonder and excitement; however, deep down, I knew my future pallbearer appeared in my mind. I became a mortal man. As time flowed on, Cameron and Ryan’s every accomplishment, every triumph, and even how they responded to their trials and tribulations inspired me to do better, but time was quickening.
The feeling of time fleeting kept growing in my mind—the quicksand of time, no longer progressing forward but sinking, falling. As much as I tried to hold on, the faster the current of time went. Chase’s birth came and went while I was in Africa; the time missed never returned. Each time I was away, it broke my heart to see the worry and sorrow on their faces.
Even present, the years felt like months, and months turned to weeks, days to mere seconds. It feels like the smoke from the new year’s fireworks just faded away, but it is now April. Another birthday, another ring around the tree of life.
For five years, mentally, I was a mess. I was trapped in my mind and facing a midlife crisis of my own making. Luckily, for the first time in a long time, I saw the dawning of a new phase of life. I finished my degree, was successful at work, and built plenty of Lego sets. I am slowly becoming more spontaneous and back to exploring the world’s mysteries.
For those caught in the tide, lost in a sea of thoughts, know I have been there. I have felt the waves of time crashing down on you as if you were in a hurricane. Just know, it gets better. Time doesn’t slow, but the perception of time yields to those who endure the storm. Even the darkness might fade, and the shadows will linger, which is okay. Only know I am with you and all those who have gone through it. The past is written, the future is unknown, but the present is where we live and love.